If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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