Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
