He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
