I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
