i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
