Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
