I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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