i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
