My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
