I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
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do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
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I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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