I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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