I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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