it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
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