Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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