five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Randomize
