Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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