I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
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I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
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He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
We're too hungover to prance.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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