I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
