i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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