Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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