maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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