Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
