i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
