The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
