Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
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Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
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so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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