i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
