I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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