i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
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