So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
