So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
