I cannot find my penis.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
