Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
