My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
