i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
