So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
