So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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