If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
