Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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