you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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