We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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