either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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