im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
