I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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