I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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