wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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