happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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