i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Randomize
