and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
