I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
