I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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