I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
