She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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