Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
