I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
