the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
His nipple licking is glorious
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