My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
