I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
