hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
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